Well… I have been wracking my brain on what to write about today… I wanted to write something that wasn’t too self absorbed… something that resonated with others the way it resonates with me… and I had no luck… I don’t want to come across as all about me… but then a friend mentioned something that I seldom talk about…. Well, I talk about it, in great detail, but in seperate detail.
Today’s blog is about two things that I know lots and nothing about… Parenting and being gay… I know 18 years of ups and downs in the parenting front and 10 years of being gay… but it didnt occur to me to talk about both together as they are seperate in my mind. The two do technically overlap, however.. I think I may be oblivious to what that means… I know when I came out I explained it to my kids… I told them that God loved me so much and knew I had so much love to give that he blessed me with the ability to love regardless of gender.. that I would be allowed to love another woman… as well as my kids and people in general (they didn’t need to understand all the other letters in GLBTQ2S… but I digress…) My kids were 6 and 8 when I came out… if you could really call it “coming out”… One minute I was with the last man I would date, and then I got a head massage and I was in love with a woman…. (one day I may just explain how getting my head massage opened me up to becoming a lesbian…. until then… If you are happily heteroxexual I do not suggest that you get a head massage *grins*…)
When I first had a real relationship with a woman… (a REAL one, mind… as I had fooled around in the past and it really wasn’t a big deal, still ended up with a boyfriend after that… but I digress)… I realized I came home… I realized what I had struggled to find all my life, the acceptance and joy from another beings’ touch… the feeling of coming home when I looked at her… My sister told me all through my life that when I was with the right person, sex would be good (hehe, well, apparently it was only GENDER she was talking but that’s another story)… and here I was… finally enjoying sex… finally understanding what people were always going on about… I found what I had searched for my whole life…
I was a mom when this happened… I had my kids and didn’t really put a lot of thought into how it would affect them…. they were, afterall, my kids and if they loved me (which they do) I had this great opportunity to show them nothing but love…. At no point did I show my kids that being gay was any different than not being gay…. it was as normal as anyone else’ life save having two moms in one house rather than one… and hey, Bountiful BC has TONNES of mom’s in one house *grins*… to me, it was nothing different than being with a man, only there would be arguements over who would take the garbage out and I couldn’t rely on gender stereotypes for why the other person should do it. The fact that other people might or might not like my lifestyle didn’t even occur to me… You see, I have learned to tune out what other people notice or don’t notice about me… I had never even met someone whom I KNEW didn’t like me till well into my 30’s…. so how would it even enter my mind that people didn’t like my sexual preference?
I think the first time it came up, like REALLY came up was 6 years after I came out when my daughter told me that she was subjected to other people’s negative comments about it…. As I am just a regular girl… nothing about me that states that I am gay, I don’t wear a bunch of rainbows… I have no vagina shaped pendants, I don’t stop mid way through a mall to make out with my same sex partner, I am not one to notice most homophobic slurs, I’m not big on womens’ lib or feminism, most people have NO CLUE that I am gay… no one questions me. For my daughter it was rough (I assume for my son as well, though he didn’t open up to me about his feelings at that time.) as she felt constantly that she was defending my right to be who I am. But not just that, she also found that she was standing up for her own right to be who she is. In grade 6 she stood up and told friends that she was offended by their homophobic statements… (she is more of an activist than I am by far)
Loving women didn’t seem to upset my life in any way. I am sure that it has upset other people, however it was simply just a part of the package of me…. and like with people who don’t like me because I am fat, or because I am black or because I am a single parent, I just choose not to acknowlege that disdain. I choose to walk down the street like any other person, with my girlfriend, my wife, my partner, and my children, my dog, my nieces, and love and be loved…. There are so many reasons to dislike me, who I sleep with is such a small thing in comparison to the greater scheme of things really…
I have spoken to women whose experiences were different, who felt out of place in the parental world or in the LGBTQ2S world… I have met women who have married and stayed with men while they raised their children so as not to confuse them. Women who have lived a secret life from their own children in an effort not to mar their upbringing, not to confuse them or make them ask questions… I encourage those questions…. I welcome my opportunities to explain love and how I view it to today’s youth… to show them that saying “that’s so gay” isn’t just “the way we talk” but an actual slip in words that is uncalled for….. that it is detrimental to spread hatred and and misconception. I have asked my children if it bothered them that I am gay, that I love wome or that I am openly gay around their friends… and they have assured me it is ok. That they love ME.. because I love them. It wasn’t hard for me to come out to my children, but in the coming out of their family (me) I realize that sometimes it is an uphill battle…. that sometimes they wish I was straight… I acknowledge that having a gay mom is probably not always the best… and were I an advocate of pleasing others and hiding your own feelings in lieu of what may or may not offend other people, I would likely keep it to myself….
However… I am me… and no amount of men, or children, society, judgments will EVER change that…. I can no more be straight than I can be white. I am me. I happen to love women. I happen to be black, I happen to have children, these are ALL things that make up me, and I really dont’ care if someone else doesn’t like it… because they, like me, are free to walk away, to turn their nose up, to block me. they may spread hate about me, they may say that I don’t deserve the same things in life that they deserve, I simply…. don’t…. care… We all have things about us that SOMEONE will not like… and hey… maybe, like body odor it will be something that NOBODY seems to be ok with… but in reality, there will ALWAYS be someone who is ok with it… the trick is… to stick with those people and walk away from people who don’t like you. Because straight up… I don’t intend to waste MY life justifying my right to be me. I’ll be me and you can be you and if you dont’ like me, just remember that chance are, there is something about YOU that someone doesn’t like too… That’s simply the way life works.