I am so terribly sick of being black. There, I’ve said it.
I’m tired of being a POC, I’m tired of having people refer to me as a POC. I’m tired of trying to understand what my status as a person is anymore. I’m tired of the alphabet that has become my descriptor. POC, LGBTQ2+ I’m tired of people expecting me to gush at their inclusion, of having to explain all the racist things I’ve lived with. I’m sick of telling people about the time my boyfriend was asked if he was taking his nigg** for a walk. I’m sick of explaining that my mother, upon questioning from the police after threatening to kill my sisters and I claimed to have “f*cked a nigg**”. I’m tired of being not quite black enough but nowhere near white enough that I can have some of that privileged. I’m sick of explaining how my children’s father is white and that’s why my children not only pass for white, but even I sometimes question their mixed blood. I’m so annoyed with Black lives matter, and with the NEED for Black Lives matter. I question why I must read and hear how people who, when passing me on the streets will smile at me, and then post terrible things about how little my life, as a colored person matters.
I’m tired of white guilt. Of non colored people telling ME how hard it is to be a minority… You know, every single black person I know from BC has pointed out how few of us there are… but let me tell you, I’ve definitely heard my fair share of how hard white people have it. I’m tired of feeling bad for white people being painted as racist when they aren’t. I’m down trodden knowing that no one really notices that we are all racist. I’m saddened by the amount of anger from white people on behalf of black people who are speaking for all colored people but are seen as exclusionary when they are, even though the exclusion is somewhat understandable.
I’m sick of my hair being a topic of conversation, an amazement for people who just don’t “get” it. I’m tired of having to go to special stores, special sections of stores to buy products to take care of my hair, and my skin. I’m sick of Rap songs that use the reclaimed “N” word when it hurts me to hear it so much. I’m tired of people assuming they know what it is like for me to hate being black. I’m tired… so very tired of people thinking they know WHY I hate being black.
I wish I didn’t live in a world where my passing children and my white mother are racist by my extremely racist colored ex was colored so she could call the Chines guy names. I’m sick of people who don’t know me telling my story, explaining away my experiences. I wish I didn’t live in a world where my heritage and color were robbed from me by a white parent who hated her ex so much she told lies to keep him out of my life and a black parent who hated his ex so much that who I was has never been my business. I wish we lived in a world where people didn’t assume I’m just like this girl who’s black, or that girl who has dreads, or this guy who’s mixed race.
In case anyone actually wondered… actually wanted to know what it is like to be ME… Ask me.