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So… I have decided that I can’t stand FACEBOOK… I know, everyone says that all the time, but I am TOTALLY serious.

I hate that I use it… I hate that I have connections, I hate that it is great for keeping in touch, or feeling like I exist.  I hate that I know people on it and I hate that I don’t.  I hate that it feels like a friend and yet an enemy… I hate that facebook welcomes me to post, to talk, to chat, to invite people who don’t say hello to me in every day life to parties that they probably ahve no interest in attending… I hate that when I am feeling good I brag on facebook and when I feel down I post cryptic messages hoping for a notice from someone to say that I am real.

I hate the phone, and the internet… though I use both so much.  I hate that I can’t process my feelings or figure anything out without the help of Google and Facebook, Twitter and myspace… basically I hate technology.

I hate that I want to go back to simpler times when though the world was behind, if you were feeling down, you sought out a friend who you saw often and sat down with them and cried, or you sent out those little paper things… ya know… invitations to things… with RSVP cards and an extra envelope… I hate that I want those days back…

I hate that once I put something out there, even if only for a second, just for a feeling that I matter but it is there, it is out, it is open for scrutiny or pity, empathy or sympathy, judgment or criticism….that it can’t be taken back.

I hate that I feel so out of touch, so incapable of processing life in my head…. people used to do that… use their minds, not ask the 300 “friends” whom they don’t talk to and who don’t even know their cats names…  I hate this need I have for approval… for confirmation…

and I hate that I can’t take that hate back…