Well, I’ve been on here for a couple of months now, and I’m going to lay it on the line as it were, consistency is not my strong suit.
I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I’ve been heavy my entire life… or at least as far back as I can remember. My sister told me that the summer when I was 8 I just ballooned up and I’ve never been anything but big since then. Being big my whole life, I’ve obviously run the gamut of fad diets, or pills, or exercise programs, or whatever really… but I’ve consistently done kind of a half assed job of it all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I didn’t WORK at it, I did… just not as hard or as consistently as people would like to believe. Though I appreciate the sentiment and the encouragement, it didn’t do either of us any good. I haven’t actually dropped the weight and have somehow convinced myself that I CAN’T.
I’m pretty sure that my weight is the scariest of the scary things in my life… and if you read my “real life blog” you’d see where that is stating something HUGE. I’ve been through more trauma in the past 40 years than any 5 people need to deal with. I didn’t and still really don’t believe that I buried my emotions in food. I’ve always been a picky eater, as well, I have always been quite poor. Yes, I said it.. poor…. So THAT should explain it… healthy food is more expensive isn’t it? I’ve recently discovered, that it CAN be more expensive, but it all really depends on what you are eating, how much, how often etc. The fact is, an apple is most likely NOT more expensive than a chocolate bar… unless of course, you buy the apple at a gas station or other such convenience store. That’s a post for another day.
Where was I? Oh yes, right, I’ve never really been the type to emotionally eat. I just… well… EAT… I eat a lot, or a little, I eat a lot of one TYPE of food, I avoid water (it tastes shitty… no lie) I like food that tastes good right away. (I’m not going to lie, I have really REALLY been craving Ramen noodles… but has anyone else noticed that just one package is your TOTAL DAILY INTAKE of sodium? As much as I want to eat them, I just can’t shake that knowledge.) I love ice cream… a lot… I’m pretty sure that it is my top killer. I can use moderation in almost every part of my life, except for ice cream… and so I can’t buy it. Or if I DO buy it, I have to buy a kind I only TOLERATE, not one that I actually LIKE… Simply put, food is good, and I grew up with very little… so depriving myself of what I want is really hart (not that I am unusual with this)
I embarked on this path not for me. I have listened to my daughter lament about her body for years and no amount of “you are beautiful” has helped. No amount of “societal beauty standards are not realistic” has changed her outlook on her own body. At my size, I’d pay money to be hers, and yet I am far more confident and loving of my body than she is. This is something that came with years of self talk and giving myself the gift of ME for my 35 birthday… She’s just turned 18…. that’s another 17 years to go. I can’t watch her hate herself that way for that long, not when she is so amazing, so smart and so beautiful, and so I joined MFP (Myfitnesspal) and Goodlife Fitness and embarked on a LIFESTYLE change that is “doable”. It’s funny how we say that you have to do it for YOU… that I can’t lose weight to please anyone else, or to impress anyone. I can’t stick to a diet to win the popularity contests, or to get revenge… Like smoking, it’s up to me, and only me. I am the one who has to decide to make this change….for me.
Yet here I am, making this change not for me, but for my daughter whom, as of yesterday, is quite content NOT being on MFP or attending Goodlife Fitness. My beautiful baby girl is not at that place where she is determined… and you know, she may never be and I can’t force her. What i CAN do though, is to lead by example. I am the first to admit that I want junk food, not celery (i HATE celery and think it should be outlawed) I will readily admit that once I sit my ass on the couch, the last thing I want to do is get up and exercise… but I’ve been doing it. I’ve been working out, with or without an exercise buddy. I’ve been tracking my food (sometimes not greatly, but still doing it). I’ve been throwing in a quick 100 calorie burner when I’m bored… or when I’m tempted to go and buy that chocolate bar (and hey, if my desire for a chocolate bar DOESN’T go away after a refreshing 100 calorie burn…. (do you feel tha sarcasm????) I buy it… I eat it… and I don’t feel guilty…..
So here’s hoping that she will see my progress, pay attention to how I am getting there, and jump on this bandwagon with me, and everyone else in MFP… Here’s hoping that she will see the benefit, and feel the joy….