So I disabled my facebook. I didn’t do it right away like I said I would. I kept it online to keep in contact with my son as he didn’t give me any other options for contact. The issue with this is that it defeats the purpose of not using facebook…. So I have now actually disabled it and I feel the loss.
You see I’ve been struggling with a lot of things in my life lately, and the top of which is depression. I’ve found myself unable to focus on, or even really see the positive things in my life even though i KNOW they are there. I KNOW without a doubt that this will pass, because it always does, whether it be with the use of medication or with the power of friends and family, it will always go away. I know, for instance, that how I feel today, mired in PMS emotions that take over all my thoughts is just how I feel today and even tomorrow I won’t feel the same. I know that yesterday everything sat right underneath the surface and it was all I could do not to cry constantly. Today I am not feeling that intensity, but today I feel that one word, one mistake, one wrong move, could be the last straw for those of my loved ones who is still in contact with me.
I’m reasonable you see. I understand that depression is a disease that left untreated, it has the potential to destroy healthy relationships, blur boundary lines and block out positives. And I know, like with many other’s who suffer from this, that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life popping pills to feel normal, and able to handle life.
Yesterday, I cried, no less than 20 times. Only one of those occasions, when looking at it today, was actually something that was naturally intense enough to make a person cry, yet there I was, speaking of college with my daughter, fighting back tears. Sitting in traffic I had to talk myself out of falling apart at a red light… because I saw two people kiss. Last night, I cried.. all out cried, and stopped trying to deny the need.
So what am I doing to change that you ask? well, for a moment or two I am just trying to breathe…
I have an appointment with the doctor to discuss ways to manage the depression
I’ve requested to join a depression support group
I’ve decided to get out more and have arranged with friends and family to get together to walk, exercise and interact on an in person basis
I’ve signed up for yoga and meditation (healthy mind and body)
and I’ve forgiven myself for being depressed.
Those things, when typed out, all seem so easy, and I know that depression isn’t easy to live with, and if you’ve ever suffered from it, you know that each one of these things takes a lot of courage and determination, but I’ve got this.
This year, I’m gifting myself with emotional health.